Ask any couple in a long-term relationship about their sex life and you're bound to hear something along the lines of, "It's not as hot as it used to be, but I guess it's still pretty good."
Waning sexual passion over time is the norm for every couple, says Pat Love, Ph.D., the author of "Hot Monogamy" and "The Truth About Love". But the change in desire is usually different for each person.
Desire discrepancy — when one partner has a greater sex drive than the other — is what emerges about 18 months into a relationship, when you're out of the infatuation stage, claims Love. This imbalance is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships.
Luckily, differences in sexual desire can be resolved and you can reenergize your sexual connection. The key is to appreciate and respond to "your partner's language of love," asserts Love, because "the way to get what you want is to give what your partner desires."
Communicate Your Desire
But first, you have to be able to talk about sex, and that's where couples often hit a brick wall, says Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment center in Towson, Md.
Many of us have a hard time communicating about this difficult topic, so we say nothing or we say it in a negative way that closes off communication.
Townsend offers this example: Perhaps what you truly desire is more kissing during foreplay, so you say, "You know, you never really kiss me enough." That is not a desire; it's a criticism. The wording of desire might be, "I've been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first."
The technique is to identify the desire behind every criticism and express it using the language of "rather than" and "instead of," says Townsend, who leads Hot Monogamy sexual workshops. "You wouldn't believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, 'Instead of doing…, I'd rather you do…'" she reports.
After you state your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner validates what you've said by repeating it — without editing. You make corrections until he/she gets it right. Then you thank your partner for hearing you and ask if she/he is willing to change to meet your desire. Your partner may reply with a "yes" or "no" or agree if certain conditions are met.
Using this communication technique, also known as "mirroring," may not always result in what you want, but you'll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests and pay attention to receiving from, and giving to, your partner.
Furthermore, this style of sharing creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion.
Make a Contract and Follow Through
It's out in the open. You and your partner have positively communicated specific sexual desires and have made a commitment to respond to one another. Now, it's time to make a contract, suggests Lana Holstein, M.D., a sex expert and author of the book, "How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection."
Holstein, who also leads sexual workshops at Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Ariz., says that often the problem isn't communicating desire as much as acting on it. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions.
Calling the contract "a deal for sexual wealth," Holstein counsels couples to create a "good sex division" of their relationship. Put down on paper what the two of you want sexually. For instance, you may decide that one of you gets to call the shots for the next month. The partner responsible for initiating sex is also in charge of making the encounter happen.
For the contract to work, you need to be able to begin an encounter from a low level of desire. It's like exercise, explains Holstein. You don't always want to do it, but once you start working out, you're pleased you did. "We don't always feel 'in the mood,' but usually after we're … into it, we're glad to be there and often relieved," she says.
After one month, discuss how the contract is working, which experiences were pleasurable, which taught you something, and which didn't work. Then you can decide to extend or modify the original agreement — and perhaps add penalty clauses for not following through.
Resolving Desire Discrepancy
Once you get the communication and contract going, you are likely to discover that all-too-common problem — desire discrepancy. It occurs in couples of all ages, and contrary to what you might think, it isn't always the man whose sex drive is higher than the woman's. Particularly at midlife, a woman may be coming into her own sexual power just as her man may be feeling less aggressive in sexual relations.
A shift in desire between partners isn't necessarily a problem unless one person feels frustrated or rejected. That's usually the high-desire partner because he or she is doing the initiating yet being sexually scorned.
Learn Your Partner's Language of Love
Pat Love has specific suggestions to help low- and high-desire partners improve their lovemaking. Topping her list is learning your partner's language of love. This gets to the heart of what arouses your partner, and it's often more subtle than sexy underwear for him and chocolate and roses for her.
Love gives this example: Tom would like to make love once a day, whereas Sue is satisfied with once a week. What might soften Sue and make her more responsive to Tom's desire for more frequent sex? Tom needs to become an expert in creating desire in Sue.
What Tom may not be aware of is that there is a connection between Sue's desire and her day-to-day life. She often claims to be too tired for lovemaking because of the kids. But suppose one evening Tom says to Sue, "I'll take the kids for an hour so you can relax and do whatever you want."
This generosity might cause Sue to feel a surge of love for Tom, creating an atmosphere in which sex can ignite. For Sue, Tom's act is foreplay.
"You have to honor the reality and experience of the other," says Love. "You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, 'I love you' to your partner."
Practical Tips for the High-Desire Partner
In "Hot Monogamy," Love gives the following suggestions to help restore the balance between high- and low-desire couples. If you're the one with high sexual energy:
* Accept the fact that your partner may need extra stimulation to become fully aroused.
* Refrain from deliberately heightening your level of desire; this will exaggerate differences in desire.
* Honor your partner's sexual preconditions about lovemaking.
* Consider satisfying some of your purely physical needs through masturbation.
* Redirect some of your sexual energy.
* Don't confuse lust with love. Your partner's low sexual desire does not mean a lack of love. If it were, you'd see it played out in all areas of the relationship.
Pointers for the Reduced-Desire Partner
* Take more responsibility for your sexual arousal and make room in your life for sex (write and sign that contract!). Follow through when you do feel in the mood and note the conditions that drive your desire so you can duplicate them.
* Be clear and reasonable about your sexual preconditions and requests.
* If you choose not to have sex, say so without feeling guilt. If you make an effort to compromise with your partner, you don't have to feel guilty when you say no.
* Celebrate your mental desire. Your willingness to get into your partner's frame of mind and create more desire in yourself is a reason to rejoice.
Friday, November 6, 2009
When Is Sex Hot and When Is It Not?
Gina, 34 (single)
* Sizzle… The best sexual experiences for me have always been with men I have established an emotional connection with. After that, spontaneity is a real turn-on — don't pencil me into your Palm Pilot!
* Fizzle… Planned sex is a real turn-off for me. After that, there are a number of things that can point the sex-meter closer to fizzling than sizzling — it could be an argument, physical exhaustion, stress or just one of those days when I'm feeling not-so-sexy.
hot sex
Randy, 46 (single)
* Sizzle… Passion — the burning desire to be with someone. Part of it is feeling really attracted to the person — the physical characteristics — and part is communication.
* Fizzle… Without the physical attraction, the chemistry isn't there. Conflict and resentment are turn-offs, too.
hot sex
Jason, 33 (single)
* Sizzle… The best is what I call "aerobic sex," when you're fully out of breath, completely spent and you know — or at least you believe! — that you're making the other person feel amazing. That's when I can relax and give in to it completely.
* Fizzle… A person who can't kiss past a pucker. And continued bashfulness — I don't care how fit you are, you have to shake what you have and feel sexy, or it's a total turn-off.
hot sex
Gisela, 43 (single)
* Sizzle… A mutual understanding of what a partner wants, both in and out of bed, is so sexy. An honest, sincere, straightforward person who has experience. And I like men and women — I want a man who will be okay with that. You'd think that would be easy to find, but it's not!
* Fizzle… It fizzles if it's just for sex and not for the pleasure of both people. Bragging, like kids, is a total turn-off.
hot sex
Whit, 32 (single)
* Sizzle… Anything unexpected can make sex hot — a break from the norm always makes it memorable. I could write a book — change of location, change of positions, foreplay style, afterplay. A vocal expression is the best — a loud outburst like: "Whit, you da man!"
* Fizzle… That's easy. Lack of communication about the sex that's goin' on makes the top of my list. It's too much guesswork if you don't know what feels good to her because no two women are the same. It's important to cater your style to the woman you're with, and not assume she likes what the last woman did.
hot sex
Rick, 22 (single)
* Sizzle… It's best in the beginning, when everything's new. There's a physical part, and then there's love. The mental aspect — the love — adds to the attraction and makes you feel like you're doing the right thing.
* Fizzle… When you feel you're just a number in someone's life. There's no commitment, and things are getting old. A turn-off is someone being just into themselves and what they want.
hot sex
Donna, 50+ (single)
* Sizzle… The best sex I had was in my 20s. He always knew what I wanted and could wait until we could come together. You attract and sizzle automatically — it must be chemistry, not something learned.
* Fizzle… You definitely have to have an orgasm. Talk about fizzle — it's nothing without that.
hot sex
Bill, 83 (married)
* Sizzle… A very attractive wife like my Win. We have similar interests — we love to dance and travel — and that kind of connection can translate into great lovemaking. We're very close in all respects, physically and emotionally, even more so after 53 years of being together.
* Fizzle… As a result of prostate cancer you can become impotent and can't get an erection. But we've still got it — I'm a lover, a hugger, a kisser — though it's not like before.
hot sex
Dori, 25 (married)
* Sizzle… Self-confidence. Confidence is sexy no matter what. Lack of inhibitions, aggressiveness, taking initiative.
* Fizzle… Roommates. My husband and I have them now — that's why we're buying a house!
hot sex
Sam, 53 (married)
* Sizzle… It takes two to tango. It takes two good companions, with a good relationship outside of the bed. At 53, you might like a 26-year-old hard-body who can do everything, but that's a selfish point of view. It might sizzle for you, but it won't for her.
* Fizzle… If there's poor compatibility mentally, it might be good that one time, but that's it. It's bad if you're doing it for the wrong reason, just to do it instead of to enhance your relationship.
hot sex
Ernest, 63 (married)
* Sizzle… I'm a normal, straight-down-the-line sort of guy. I don't like the unusual stuff, or sex just for convenience. I have to be attracted. My marriage became sexless 20 years ago. My wife accepts that I seek sizzle in extracurricular activities.
* Fizzle… I don't go out with a lady if I'm not attracted. And physically they can be too small sexually. I'm a little bigger than average and sometimes it's just not a fit. I don't like to go right at it; I like to enjoy touching, foreplay — to set things up.
* Sizzle… The best sexual experiences for me have always been with men I have established an emotional connection with. After that, spontaneity is a real turn-on — don't pencil me into your Palm Pilot!
* Fizzle… Planned sex is a real turn-off for me. After that, there are a number of things that can point the sex-meter closer to fizzling than sizzling — it could be an argument, physical exhaustion, stress or just one of those days when I'm feeling not-so-sexy.
hot sex
Randy, 46 (single)
* Sizzle… Passion — the burning desire to be with someone. Part of it is feeling really attracted to the person — the physical characteristics — and part is communication.
* Fizzle… Without the physical attraction, the chemistry isn't there. Conflict and resentment are turn-offs, too.
hot sex
Jason, 33 (single)
* Sizzle… The best is what I call "aerobic sex," when you're fully out of breath, completely spent and you know — or at least you believe! — that you're making the other person feel amazing. That's when I can relax and give in to it completely.
* Fizzle… A person who can't kiss past a pucker. And continued bashfulness — I don't care how fit you are, you have to shake what you have and feel sexy, or it's a total turn-off.
hot sex
Gisela, 43 (single)
* Sizzle… A mutual understanding of what a partner wants, both in and out of bed, is so sexy. An honest, sincere, straightforward person who has experience. And I like men and women — I want a man who will be okay with that. You'd think that would be easy to find, but it's not!
* Fizzle… It fizzles if it's just for sex and not for the pleasure of both people. Bragging, like kids, is a total turn-off.
hot sex
Whit, 32 (single)
* Sizzle… Anything unexpected can make sex hot — a break from the norm always makes it memorable. I could write a book — change of location, change of positions, foreplay style, afterplay. A vocal expression is the best — a loud outburst like: "Whit, you da man!"
* Fizzle… That's easy. Lack of communication about the sex that's goin' on makes the top of my list. It's too much guesswork if you don't know what feels good to her because no two women are the same. It's important to cater your style to the woman you're with, and not assume she likes what the last woman did.
hot sex
Rick, 22 (single)
* Sizzle… It's best in the beginning, when everything's new. There's a physical part, and then there's love. The mental aspect — the love — adds to the attraction and makes you feel like you're doing the right thing.
* Fizzle… When you feel you're just a number in someone's life. There's no commitment, and things are getting old. A turn-off is someone being just into themselves and what they want.
hot sex
Donna, 50+ (single)
* Sizzle… The best sex I had was in my 20s. He always knew what I wanted and could wait until we could come together. You attract and sizzle automatically — it must be chemistry, not something learned.
* Fizzle… You definitely have to have an orgasm. Talk about fizzle — it's nothing without that.
hot sex
Bill, 83 (married)
* Sizzle… A very attractive wife like my Win. We have similar interests — we love to dance and travel — and that kind of connection can translate into great lovemaking. We're very close in all respects, physically and emotionally, even more so after 53 years of being together.
* Fizzle… As a result of prostate cancer you can become impotent and can't get an erection. But we've still got it — I'm a lover, a hugger, a kisser — though it's not like before.
hot sex
Dori, 25 (married)
* Sizzle… Self-confidence. Confidence is sexy no matter what. Lack of inhibitions, aggressiveness, taking initiative.
* Fizzle… Roommates. My husband and I have them now — that's why we're buying a house!
hot sex
Sam, 53 (married)
* Sizzle… It takes two to tango. It takes two good companions, with a good relationship outside of the bed. At 53, you might like a 26-year-old hard-body who can do everything, but that's a selfish point of view. It might sizzle for you, but it won't for her.
* Fizzle… If there's poor compatibility mentally, it might be good that one time, but that's it. It's bad if you're doing it for the wrong reason, just to do it instead of to enhance your relationship.
hot sex
Ernest, 63 (married)
* Sizzle… I'm a normal, straight-down-the-line sort of guy. I don't like the unusual stuff, or sex just for convenience. I have to be attracted. My marriage became sexless 20 years ago. My wife accepts that I seek sizzle in extracurricular activities.
* Fizzle… I don't go out with a lady if I'm not attracted. And physically they can be too small sexually. I'm a little bigger than average and sometimes it's just not a fit. I don't like to go right at it; I like to enjoy touching, foreplay — to set things up.
Marriage and Sex
If you're married or thinking about getting married, at some point or another you've wondered what better sex in marriage would be like or how sex in marriage could be improved.
Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.
The daily routines of life — whether careers, children or financial responsibilities — challenge couples to keep alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities.
Furthermore, aging brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect life in the bedroom. These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems.
Whatever the reasons for brewing trouble in the bedroom — whether emotional or physical in nature — the good news is that many such problems are easily treated. Moreover, troubles in a couple's sexual relationship are often signs of other problems, and can serve as a warning sign for still bigger troubles ahead.
"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]."
"Sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge" for relationships, says Dr. Linda Banner, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist specializing in marriage and relationship counseling and a researcher associated with Stanford University Medical School.
Adults Have Sex 61 Times a Year
Adults, on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual activity.
Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age. The 1998 University of Chicago report that compiled available sex research also concluded that intercourse is more frequent among couples in happier marriages.
As people age, they tend to have sex less, regardless of whether they are in marriages or not. Married couples between ages 18 and 29 have sexual relations an average of nearly 112 times per year. That rate steadily decreases as people age, so that married couples aged 70 and older have sex 16 times a year on average.
But that fact shouldn't be misconstrued as meaning that older people are less satisfied with their sex life. An AARP survey released last year showed that most mid-life and older adults surveyed were either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their sex life, and felt it was an important quality-of-life factor.
Renowned sex researcher John McKinley, Ph.D., director of the New England Research Institutes in Watertown, Mass., says as people age, particularly men, their expectations about sex aren't as high.
Overcoming Emotional Barriers
"The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," Schoen says. But in today's fast-paced life, filled with dueling responsibilities, a sub-par or absent sex life is a common problem.
When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex, says Jan Sinatra, a Manchester, Conn., psychotherapist and co-author of "Heart Sense for Women."
Sinatra usually asks couples initially coming to her about their love life how they communicate. "It's a barometer of the relationship."
Sometimes couples need to focus on addressing unresolved conflicts between them, while other spouses just need to remember to have fun when the weight of life's responsibilities drags them and their sex life down. Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life.
Through communication—both verbal and non-verbal — and listening, couples come to understand what ignites that spark in the other partner. That might be cuddling, leaving love notes for your partner to find, meeting at a motel for a tryst, trying out new sex techniques, introducing a vibrator or dozens of other potential turn-ons.
Sex therapist Banner conducted a research study that included 65 couples who were having sexual problems because either one or both partners were diagnosed with sexual dysfunction or arousal problems. The average length of time these couples had been together was 24 years.
The study examined what it would take for these couples to resume normal sexual relations. For 65 percent of the couples, the introduction of educational sex videos was all that was needed to jump-start stagnant sex lives, Banner discovered.
Overcoming Physical Barriers
Sexual dysfunction, however, is not necessarily something that is in one's head, and is a major reason sexual relationships suffer. Erectile dysfunction among men aged 65 and older is usually related to physical problems, says Dr. Michael Werner, a New York urologist, whereas most cases of erectile dysfunction for men under 65 are more psychological.
That's not to say there isn't a mental aspect to erectile dysfunction in older men. As with any medical condition, psychological issues also come into play. For men, much of their self-esteem emanates from how they feel sexually. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 25 percent of men either completely or moderately by age 40, McKinlay says. By age 70, that increases to one out of two men.
More important, research in the last three to five years shows that impotence or sexual dysfunction is largely a physical problem, not an emotional problem. "Nearly everything we assumed in the last 95 years was totally wrong," says McKinlay. "E.D. is a circulatory problem, it's part of vascular disease…E.D. is an early warning sign of a heart attack."
In addition to cardiovascular conditions, depression, anxiety and prostate disease can also be factors in sexual dysfunction or sexual problems. And the bad news is that medications for these conditions negatively affect sexual functioning, creating a vicious cycle and making it harder to jump-start one's sex life, and possibly affecting a couple's overall relationship.
Viagra has replaced traditionally invasive treatments for men's sexual dysfunction, and McKinlay says new medications more effective than Viagra will soon hit the market. These will be easier to take, quicker acting and will not pose a cardiovascular threat as Viagra has shown to, he says.
However, what works even better than Viagra for many men with erectile dysfunction, McKinlay says, is increasing one's physical activity, kicking the smoking habit, and watching one's weight and cholesterol. As erectile dysfunction is related to cardiovascular disease, such changes can also reduce the risk of the biggest killer of men in the world.
If that doesn't do it, then McKinlay suggests men work with their doctors to change medications before trying medication specifically for erectile dysfunction. As a last resort, a number of invasive treatments are available.
Meanwhile, older women experience reduced vaginal lubrication and reduced blood flow to sex organs, and the intensity of muscle spasms during an orgasm are diminished. These and other issues can be addressed through estrogen replacement therapy and something as simple as using lubricants.
Although some recommend and swear by such alternative therapies as ginkgo biloba or an amino acid called L-arginine for libido and erection problems, McKinlay says there's no scientific data that shows hormone supplements, herbs or dietary supplements work to address erectile dysfunction. However, that's not to say alternative medicine won't work, he adds.
Strategies for Keeping the Spark Alive
* Treat your partner as if you're dating
* Romance your spouse outside the bedroom
* Plan a date night
* Talk with your partner
* Listen to your partner
* Understand your partner's sexual needs and desires
* Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner
* Maintain perspective on sex as life ebbs and flows
* Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spillover to the bedroom
* Have fun and engage in foreplay, whether that's kissing, sexual banter or anything else
* Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom
* Exercise, preferably together
* Stop smoking and get your partner to quit
* Watch your weight and cholesterol
* Consider seeking specialized treatment from a specialist if behavioral changes don't work
Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.
The daily routines of life — whether careers, children or financial responsibilities — challenge couples to keep alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities.
Furthermore, aging brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect life in the bedroom. These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems.
Whatever the reasons for brewing trouble in the bedroom — whether emotional or physical in nature — the good news is that many such problems are easily treated. Moreover, troubles in a couple's sexual relationship are often signs of other problems, and can serve as a warning sign for still bigger troubles ahead.
"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]."
"Sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge" for relationships, says Dr. Linda Banner, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist specializing in marriage and relationship counseling and a researcher associated with Stanford University Medical School.
Adults Have Sex 61 Times a Year
Adults, on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual activity.
Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age. The 1998 University of Chicago report that compiled available sex research also concluded that intercourse is more frequent among couples in happier marriages.
As people age, they tend to have sex less, regardless of whether they are in marriages or not. Married couples between ages 18 and 29 have sexual relations an average of nearly 112 times per year. That rate steadily decreases as people age, so that married couples aged 70 and older have sex 16 times a year on average.
But that fact shouldn't be misconstrued as meaning that older people are less satisfied with their sex life. An AARP survey released last year showed that most mid-life and older adults surveyed were either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their sex life, and felt it was an important quality-of-life factor.
Renowned sex researcher John McKinley, Ph.D., director of the New England Research Institutes in Watertown, Mass., says as people age, particularly men, their expectations about sex aren't as high.
Overcoming Emotional Barriers
"The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," Schoen says. But in today's fast-paced life, filled with dueling responsibilities, a sub-par or absent sex life is a common problem.
When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex, says Jan Sinatra, a Manchester, Conn., psychotherapist and co-author of "Heart Sense for Women."
Sinatra usually asks couples initially coming to her about their love life how they communicate. "It's a barometer of the relationship."
Sometimes couples need to focus on addressing unresolved conflicts between them, while other spouses just need to remember to have fun when the weight of life's responsibilities drags them and their sex life down. Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life.
Through communication—both verbal and non-verbal — and listening, couples come to understand what ignites that spark in the other partner. That might be cuddling, leaving love notes for your partner to find, meeting at a motel for a tryst, trying out new sex techniques, introducing a vibrator or dozens of other potential turn-ons.
Sex therapist Banner conducted a research study that included 65 couples who were having sexual problems because either one or both partners were diagnosed with sexual dysfunction or arousal problems. The average length of time these couples had been together was 24 years.
The study examined what it would take for these couples to resume normal sexual relations. For 65 percent of the couples, the introduction of educational sex videos was all that was needed to jump-start stagnant sex lives, Banner discovered.
Overcoming Physical Barriers
Sexual dysfunction, however, is not necessarily something that is in one's head, and is a major reason sexual relationships suffer. Erectile dysfunction among men aged 65 and older is usually related to physical problems, says Dr. Michael Werner, a New York urologist, whereas most cases of erectile dysfunction for men under 65 are more psychological.
That's not to say there isn't a mental aspect to erectile dysfunction in older men. As with any medical condition, psychological issues also come into play. For men, much of their self-esteem emanates from how they feel sexually. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 25 percent of men either completely or moderately by age 40, McKinlay says. By age 70, that increases to one out of two men.
More important, research in the last three to five years shows that impotence or sexual dysfunction is largely a physical problem, not an emotional problem. "Nearly everything we assumed in the last 95 years was totally wrong," says McKinlay. "E.D. is a circulatory problem, it's part of vascular disease…E.D. is an early warning sign of a heart attack."
In addition to cardiovascular conditions, depression, anxiety and prostate disease can also be factors in sexual dysfunction or sexual problems. And the bad news is that medications for these conditions negatively affect sexual functioning, creating a vicious cycle and making it harder to jump-start one's sex life, and possibly affecting a couple's overall relationship.
Viagra has replaced traditionally invasive treatments for men's sexual dysfunction, and McKinlay says new medications more effective than Viagra will soon hit the market. These will be easier to take, quicker acting and will not pose a cardiovascular threat as Viagra has shown to, he says.
However, what works even better than Viagra for many men with erectile dysfunction, McKinlay says, is increasing one's physical activity, kicking the smoking habit, and watching one's weight and cholesterol. As erectile dysfunction is related to cardiovascular disease, such changes can also reduce the risk of the biggest killer of men in the world.
If that doesn't do it, then McKinlay suggests men work with their doctors to change medications before trying medication specifically for erectile dysfunction. As a last resort, a number of invasive treatments are available.
Meanwhile, older women experience reduced vaginal lubrication and reduced blood flow to sex organs, and the intensity of muscle spasms during an orgasm are diminished. These and other issues can be addressed through estrogen replacement therapy and something as simple as using lubricants.
Although some recommend and swear by such alternative therapies as ginkgo biloba or an amino acid called L-arginine for libido and erection problems, McKinlay says there's no scientific data that shows hormone supplements, herbs or dietary supplements work to address erectile dysfunction. However, that's not to say alternative medicine won't work, he adds.
Strategies for Keeping the Spark Alive
* Treat your partner as if you're dating
* Romance your spouse outside the bedroom
* Plan a date night
* Talk with your partner
* Listen to your partner
* Understand your partner's sexual needs and desires
* Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner
* Maintain perspective on sex as life ebbs and flows
* Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spillover to the bedroom
* Have fun and engage in foreplay, whether that's kissing, sexual banter or anything else
* Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom
* Exercise, preferably together
* Stop smoking and get your partner to quit
* Watch your weight and cholesterol
* Consider seeking specialized treatment from a specialist if behavioral changes don't work
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