What to Do When Your Partner Is Hot and You're Not

Ask any couple in a long-term relationship about their sex life and you're bound to hear something along the lines of, "It's not as hot as it used to be, but I guess it's still pretty good."

Waning sexual passion over time is the norm for every couple, says Pat Love, Ph.D., the author of "Hot Monogamy" and "The Truth About Love". But the change in desire is usually different for each person.

Desire discrepancy — when one partner has a greater sex drive than the other — is what emerges about 18 months into a relationship, when you're out of the infatuation stage, claims Love. This imbalance is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships.

Luckily, differences in sexual desire can be resolved and you can reenergize your sexual connection. The key is to appreciate and respond to "your partner's language of love," asserts Love, because "the way to get what you want is to give what your partner desires."

Communicate Your Desire
But first, you have to be able to talk about sex, and that's where couples often hit a brick wall, says Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment center in Towson, Md.

Many of us have a hard time communicating about this difficult topic, so we say nothing or we say it in a negative way that closes off communication.

Townsend offers this example: Perhaps what you truly desire is more kissing during foreplay, so you say, "You know, you never really kiss me enough." That is not a desire; it's a criticism. The wording of desire might be, "I've been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first."

The technique is to identify the desire behind every criticism and express it using the language of "rather than" and "instead of," says Townsend, who leads Hot Monogamy sexual workshops. "You wouldn't believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, 'Instead of doing…, I'd rather you do…'" she reports.

After you state your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner validates what you've said by repeating it — without editing. You make corrections until he/she gets it right. Then you thank your partner for hearing you and ask if she/he is willing to change to meet your desire. Your partner may reply with a "yes" or "no" or agree if certain conditions are met.

Using this communication technique, also known as "mirroring," may not always result in what you want, but you'll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests and pay attention to receiving from, and giving to, your partner.
Furthermore, this style of sharing creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion.

Make a Contract and Follow Through
It's out in the open. You and your partner have positively communicated specific sexual desires and have made a commitment to respond to one another. Now, it's time to make a contract, suggests Lana Holstein, M.D., a sex expert and author of the book, "How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection."

Holstein, who also leads sexual workshops at Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Ariz., says that often the problem isn't communicating desire as much as acting on it. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions.

Calling the contract "a deal for sexual wealth," Holstein counsels couples to create a "good sex division" of their relationship. Put down on paper what the two of you want sexually. For instance, you may decide that one of you gets to call the shots for the next month. The partner responsible for initiating sex is also in charge of making the encounter happen.

For the contract to work, you need to be able to begin an encounter from a low level of desire. It's like exercise, explains Holstein. You don't always want to do it, but once you start working out, you're pleased you did. "We don't always feel 'in the mood,' but usually after we're … into it, we're glad to be there and often relieved," she says.

After one month, discuss how the contract is working, which experiences were pleasurable, which taught you something, and which didn't work. Then you can decide to extend or modify the original agreement — and perhaps add penalty clauses for not following through.

Resolving Desire Discrepancy
Once you get the communication and contract going, you are likely to discover that all-too-common problem — desire discrepancy. It occurs in couples of all ages, and contrary to what you might think, it isn't always the man whose sex drive is higher than the woman's. Particularly at midlife, a woman may be coming into her own sexual power just as her man may be feeling less aggressive in sexual relations.

A shift in desire between partners isn't necessarily a problem unless one person feels frustrated or rejected. That's usually the high-desire partner because he or she is doing the initiating yet being sexually scorned.

Learn Your Partner's Language of Love
Pat Love has specific suggestions to help low- and high-desire partners improve their lovemaking. Topping her list is learning your partner's language of love. This gets to the heart of what arouses your partner, and it's often more subtle than sexy underwear for him and chocolate and roses for her.

Love gives this example: Tom would like to make love once a day, whereas Sue is satisfied with once a week. What might soften Sue and make her more responsive to Tom's desire for more frequent sex? Tom needs to become an expert in creating desire in Sue.
What Tom may not be aware of is that there is a connection between Sue's desire and her day-to-day life. She often claims to be too tired for lovemaking because of the kids. But suppose one evening Tom says to Sue, "I'll take the kids for an hour so you can relax and do whatever you want."

This generosity might cause Sue to feel a surge of love for Tom, creating an atmosphere in which sex can ignite. For Sue, Tom's act is foreplay.

"You have to honor the reality and experience of the other," says Love. "You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, 'I love you' to your partner."

Practical Tips for the High-Desire Partner
In "Hot Monogamy," Love gives the following suggestions to help restore the balance between high- and low-desire couples. If you're the one with high sexual energy:

* Accept the fact that your partner may need extra stimulation to become fully aroused.
* Refrain from deliberately heightening your level of desire; this will exaggerate differences in desire.
* Honor your partner's sexual preconditions about lovemaking.
* Consider satisfying some of your purely physical needs through masturbation.
* Redirect some of your sexual energy.
* Don't confuse lust with love. Your partner's low sexual desire does not mean a lack of love. If it were, you'd see it played out in all areas of the relationship.

Pointers for the Reduced-Desire Partner

* Take more responsibility for your sexual arousal and make room in your life for sex (write and sign that contract!). Follow through when you do feel in the mood and note the conditions that drive your desire so you can duplicate them.
* Be clear and reasonable about your sexual preconditions and requests.
* If you choose not to have sex, say so without feeling guilt. If you make an effort to compromise with your partner, you don't have to feel guilty when you say no.
* Celebrate your mental desire. Your willingness to get into your partner's frame of mind and create more desire in yourself is a reason to rejoice.