Differing desires

Many women have told me they feel as though they’ve somehow failed as a sexual partner if they don’t want to just “jump into intercourse” every night. Often men (thinking that women’s sexual needs and desires match their own) report feeling as though their wives or partners aren’t interested in them if they don’t immediately want to have sex. Understanding the fundamental, hormonal difference between the sexes, and communicating your desires, can lead to a wonderful sex life.

Many of the differences between male and female desire and arousal can be traced to the brain, the most powerful sex organ we have. For men, the hormones testosterone and arginine vasopressin (AVP) encourage sexual desire before sex to a higher degree than they do in women, who have fewer AVP receptors in the brain. It takes time for women’s hormone levels to rise before they become aroused. But after orgasm, our hormones function differently too.

As many women know, men often fall asleep after sex. There are hormonal reasons why this happens. Men release hormones when they ejaculate, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, and prolactin — the release of prolactin specifically slows their “recovery time.” Conversely, women’s arousal time is slower but recovery is quick, thus making multiple orgasms possible for some women.

Sharing these differences with our male partners (if you have one) can help foster intimacy. Sharing desire is one of the deepest ways we can communicate and ultimately brings us closer to the ones we love.